Now that the NG tube doesn't hurt as much, I can finally get some rest. I fell asleep a few minutes after Vicki left last night.
3 am, fully awake. Left with nothing to do but wrestle with my overacting brain.
Here are couple things I've learned…
Cancer Doesn't Scare Me
Like most people, I've only experienced cancer vicariously. Never really thought how it would affect me if/when. Now, as a virtual certainty, it simply does not worry me one bit.
Once the cat was out of the bag, I automatically assumed it was happening. Moved on. Fait Accompli.
I didn't even think about how I felt about it, at least not until last afternoon… We were discussing worst-cases scenarios with one of my surgical residents. The conversation got a lot more productive once I made it clear I was assuming the worst and wasn't scared about it either.
Medical Dramas Have It All Wrong
It is not about personal drama.
As an ER or hospital patient you are like the captain of the boat, steering the ship from the brig. Blind and always requiring guidance/assistance from others. You might pretend to be annoyed when woken up in the middle of the night to check on your blood pressure, but are actually glad someone is watching over you.
Thankless jobs if you ask me.