Sometime this year, it's possible that taxpayers will receive an additional Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan and Korea.
• If you purchase prescription drugs, it will go to India
• If you purchase heroin, it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
• If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.

And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.